TOM TOTHERHOUSE

TOM TOTHERHOUSE Once on a time there was a Goody who had a deaf husband. A good, easy man he was, but that was just why she thought more of the lad next door, whom they called “Tom Totherhouse”. Now the lad that served the deaf man saw very well that the two had something between them, and one day he said to the Goody: “Dare you wager ten dollars, mother, that I don’t make you lay bare your own shame?” “Yes I dare”, said she; and so they wagered ten dollars. So one day, while the lad and the deaf man stood thrashing in the barn, the lad saw that Tom Totherhouse came to see the Goody. He said nothing, but a good while before dinnertime he turned toward the barn-door, and bawled out “Halloa!” “What! are we to go home already?” said the man, who hadn’t given any heed to what the lad did. “Yes, we must, since mother calls”, said the lad. So when they got into the passage, the lad began to hem and cough, that the Goody might get Tom Totherhouse out of the way. But when they came into the room, there stood a whole bowl of custards on the table. “Nay, nay, mother”, cried out the man; “shall we have custards to-day?” “Yes, that you shall, dear”, said the Goody; but she was as sour as verjuice, and as cross as two sticks. So when they had eaten and drank all the good cheer up, off they went again to their work, and the Goody said to Tom: “Deil take that lad’s sharp nose, this was all his fault; but now you must be off as fast as you can, and I’ll come down to you in the mead with a snack between meals.” This the lad stood outside in the passage and listened to. “Do you know, father”, he said, “I think we’d best go down into the hollow and put our fence to rights, which is blown down, before the neighbours’ swine get in and root up our meadow.” “Aye, aye, let’s go and do it”, said the man; for he did all he was told, good, easy man. So when the afternoon was half spent, down came the Goody sneaking along into the mead, with something under her apron. “Nay, nay, mother”, said the man, “it can’t be you any longer; are we to have a snack between meals too?” “Yes, yes, that you shall”, she said; but she was sourer and wilder than ever. So they made merry, and crammed themselves with bannocks and butter, and had a drop of brandy into the bargain. “I’ll go off to Tom Totherhouse with a snack—shan’t I, mother?” said the lad. “He’s had nothing between meals, I’ll be bound.” “Ah! do; there’s a good fellow”, said the Goody, who all at once got as mild as milk. As he went along the lad broke a bannock to bits, and dropped the crumbs here and there as he walked. But when he got to Tom Totherhouse he said: “Now, just you take care, for our old cock has found out that you come too often to see our Goody. He won’t stand it any longer, and has sworn to drive his axe into you as soon as ever he can set eyes on you.” As for Tom, he was so frightened he scarce knew which way to turn, and the lad went back again to his master. “There’s something wrong”, he said, “with Tom’s plough, and he begs you to be so good as to take your axe, and go and see if you can’t set it right.” Yes, the man set off with his axe, but Tom Totherhouse had scarce caught sight of him before he took to his heels as fast as he could. The man turned and twisted the plough round and round, and looked at it on every side, and when he couldn’t see anything wrong with it he went off home again; but on the way he picked up the bits of broken bannock which the lad had let fall. His old dame stood in the meadow and looked at him as he did this for a while, and wondered and wondered what it could be her husband was gathering up. “Oh, I know”, said the lad, “master’s picking up stones, I’ll be bound; for he has marked how often this Tom Totherhouse runs over here; and the old fellow won’t stand it any longer; and now he has sworn to stone mother to death.” Off went the Goody as fast as her legs could carry her. “What in the world is it that mother is running after now?” asked the man, when he reached the spot where she had stood. “Oh”, said the lad, “maybe the house at home is on fire!” So there ran the husband behind and the Goody before; and as she ran she screeched out: “Ah! ah! don’t stone me to death; don’t stone me to death! and I’ll give you my word never to let Tom Totherhouse come near me again.” “Now the ten dollars are mine”, bawled out the lad; and so they were. LITTLE ANNIE THE GOOSE-GIRL Once on a time there was a King who had so many geese he was forced to have a lassie to tend them and watch them; her name was Annie, and so they called her “Annie the Goose-girl”. Now you must know there was a King’s son from England who went out to woo; and as he came along Ann sat herself down in his way. “Sitting all alone there, you little Annie?” said the King’s son. “Yes”, said little Annie, “here I sit and put stitch to stitch and patch on patch. I’m waiting to-day for the King’s son from England.” “Him you mustn’t look to have”, said the Prince. “Nay, but if I’m to have him”, said little Annie, “have him I shall, after all.” And now limners were sent out into all lands and realms to take the likenesses of the fairest Princesses, and the Prince was to chose between them. So he thought so much of one of them, that he set out to seek her, and wanted to wed her, and he was glad and happy when he got her for his sweetheart. But now I must tell you this Prince had a stone with him which he laid by his bedside, and that stone knew everything, and when the Princess came little Annie told her, if so be she’d had a sweetheart before, or didn’t feel herself quite free from anything which she didn’t wish the Prince to know, she’d better not step on that stone which lay by the bedside. “If you do, it will tell him all about you”, said little Annie. So when the Princess heard that she was dreadfully downcast, and she fell upon the thought to ask Annie if she would get into bed that night in her stead and lie down by the Prince’s side; and then when he was sound asleep, Annie should get out and the Princess should get in, and so when he woke up in the morning he would find the right bride by his side. So they did that, and when Annie the goose-girl came and stepped upon the stone the Prince asked: “Who is this that steps into my bed?” “A maid pure and bright”, said the stone, and so they lay down to sleep; but when the night wore on the Princess came and lay down in Annie’s stead. But next morning, when they were to get up, the Prince asked the stone again: “Who is this that steps out of my bed?” “One that has had three bairns”, said the stone. When the Prince heard that he wouldn’t have her, you may know very well; and so he packed her off home again, and took another sweetheart. But as he went to see her, little Annie went and sat down in his way again. “Sitting all alone there, little Annie, the goose-girl”, said the Prince. “Yes, here I sit, and put stitch to stitch, and patch on patch; for I’m waiting to-day for the king’s son from England”, said Annie. “Oh! you mustn’t look to have him”, said the king’s son. “Nay, but if I’m to have him, have him I shall, after all”; that was what Annie thought. Well, it was the same story over again with the Prince; only this time, when his bride got up in the morning, the stone said she’d had six bairns. So the Prince wouldn’t have her either, but sent her about her business; but still he thought he’d try once more if he couldn’t find one who was pure and spotless; and he sought far and wide in many lands, till at last he found one he thought he might trust. But when he went to see her, little Annie the goose-girl had put herself in his way again. “Sitting all alone there, you little Annie, the goose-girl”, said the Prince. “Yes, here I sit, and put stitch to stitch, and patch on patch; for I’m waiting to-day for the king’s son from England”, said Annie. “Him you mustn’t look to have”, said the Prince. “Nay, but if I’m to have him, have him I shall, after all”, said little Annie. So when the Princess came, little Annie the goose-girl told her the same as she had told the other two, if she’d had any sweetheart before, or if there was anything else she didn’t wish the Prince to know, she mustn’t tread on the stone that the Prince had put at his bedside; for, said she: “It tells him everything.” The Princess got very red and downcast when she heard that, for she was just as naughty as the others, and asked Annie if she would go in her stead and lie down with the Prince that night; and when he was sound asleep, she would come and take her place, and then he would have the right bride by his side when it was light next morning. Yes! they did that. And when little Annie the goose-girl came and stepped upon the stone, the Prince asked: “Who is this that steps into my bed.” “A maid pure and bright”, said the stone; and so they lay down to rest. Farther on in the night the Prince put a ring on Annie’s finger, and it fitted so tight she couldn’t get it off again; for the Prince saw well enough there was something wrong, and so he wished to have a mark by which he might know the right woman again. Well, when the Prince had gone off to sleep, the Princess came and drove Annie away to the pigsty, and lay down in her place. Next morning, when they were to get up, the Prince asked: “Who is this that steps out of my bed?” “One that’s had nine bairns”, said the stone. When the Prince heard that he drove her away at once, for he was in an awful rage; and then he asked the stone how it all was with these Princesses who had stepped on it, for he couldn’t understand it at all, he said. So the stone told him how they had cheated him, and sent little Annie the goose-girl to him in their stead. But as the Prince wished to have no mistake about it, he went down to her where she sat tending her geese, for he wanted to see if she had the ring too, and he thought, “if she has it, ’twere best to take her at once for my queen”. So when he got down he saw in a moment that she had tied a bit of rag round one of her fingers, and so he asked her why it was tied up. “Oh! I’ve cut myself so badly”, said little Annie the goose-girl. So he must and would see the finger, but Annie wouldn’t take the rag off. Then he caught hold of the finger; but Annie, she tried to pull it from him, and so between them the rag came off, and then he knew his ring. So he took her up to the palace, and gave her much fine clothes and attire, and after that they held their wedding feast; and so little Annie the goose-girl came to have the king of England’s son for her husband after all, just because it was written that she should have him.