TOOBAD the TAILOR

TOOBAD THE TAILOR

Once there lived in the city of Vex a tailor named Toobad, which was a very good name for him, for he really was too bad for anything, in fact, he was downright wicked. And not only was he wicked but he was also deceitful, because he was really not a tailor at all but an enchanter or conjuror, and only practiced a tailor's trade to fool the fathers, and grandfathers, and uncles, and big brothers of the little boys of Vex, and make them pay him money. And this is the way he did it:

He put a sign in his window and offered to make clothes for gentlemen very, very cheap out of the very, very best materials that would never wear out, and of course when he offered to do that all the fathers, and grandfathers, and uncles, and big brothers went and ordered their suits from him as quick as they could. But after the clothes were made and the fathers, and grandfathers, and uncles, and big brothers had put them on, then they found out, when it was too late, what sort of a person Toobad was, for they had to keep on paying, and paying, and paying for the clothes forever and forever. If they did not the suits they were wearing got tighter and tighter until their breath was almost squeezed out of them.

It was no use to try to get the clothes off because they simply would not come off. So you can imagine how cross and miserable all the fathers, and grandfathers, and uncles, and big brothers in Vex were.

Now there were lots of little boys in Vex, but the most interesting one was a bright little fellow named Winn, because in his family there happened to be a father, and a grandfather, and an uncle, and a big brother all wearing suits made by Toobad the Tailor, whereas the other boys only had a father, or a grandfather, or an uncle, or a big brother. None of them had all four together, and therefore did not have as much cause to dislike Toobad as Winn had.

Of course when Winn's father, and grandfather, and his uncle and his big brother, had paid for their suits once and Toobad had told them they must keep right on paying every week, they said they would not. But after the suits had squeezed them once or twice, and after they had tried to get the clothes off and found they could not, they changed their minds. And every Saturday night as soon as they got their salaries they rushed right down to Toobad's shop and paid him, so they would have a comfortable Sunday, which did not please Winn's mother at all because it left very little to buy food with.

"Good gracious," she used to say to Winn's father, and grandfather, and uncle, and big brother, "if you keep on giving that tailor half your money, I don't know how I'll get along."

"Indeed," said Winn's father, who was very fat, "and if I don't pay it I don't know how I'll get along. I've got to breathe, haven't I?"

"Yes," said Winn's grandfather, and his uncle, and his big brother, who were all as fat as his father, "we would much rather breathe than eat."

"All right, then," said Winn's mother, "go ahead and breathe but don't blame me if you starve also, for food is so high, I can buy very little with the money you give me."

And when she said that Winn's father, and his grandfather, and his uncle, and his big brother would groan awfully, which made Winn and his mother as blue as indigo, for they knew if Toobad was not paid, the clothes Winn's father, and grandfather, and uncle and big brother wore would squeeze them tighter and tighter so they could not work at all, and yet if he was paid there would not be enough money left to keep the wolf from the door.

So finally Winn determined to go and see Toobad and try and coax him not to be so hard on his folks. "Maybe if I offer to be his errand boy," he said, "he'll agree to let us stop paying for a while until we catch up with our grocery bills."

But when he got to the tailor's shop he had a very hard time to coax Toobad into having an errand boy. "No, no," said the enchanter, testily, "I don't need an errand boy, and even if I did need one I need the money your family pays me much more."

"But think how stylish it is for a tailor to have an errand boy," said Winn. "All fashionable tailors send clothes home to their customers. They never ask customers to come after their clothes. I should think you'd be ashamed not to have an errand boy."

So, finally, after talking and talking, Toobad agreed to hire Winn as his errand boy, and instead of giving him wages to let his family stop paying for their clothes for a few weeks.

"But remember this," said the tailor, "you are not to tell any one about the arrangement, because if you do all my customers will want to stop paying until they get caught up on their grocery bills."

So Winn promised to keep the matter secret and the next morning started in on his duties.

Now it happened that one of the first persons he delivered clothes to was a second cousin of his mother's aunt. This second cousin had not heard of the trouble in Winn's family because Winn's father, and grandfather, and uncle, and big brother had been afraid to tell any one what Toobad had done to them for fear their clothes would squeeze them worse than ever. So when Winn delivered his mother's aunt's second cousin's clothes he did not know whether to warn him about putting them on or not. And while he was trying to make up his mind about it, his mother's aunt's second cousin went into another room to get the money to pay for the clothes, and when he came out he had the clothes on.

"Gee whiz," he said proudly, "don't they fit me grand?"

"Maybe they do," said Winn, "but I was just going to tell you not to put them on, because now you can't get them off, and you've got to keep on paying for them forever and forever."

"What!" yelled his mother's aunt's second cousin.

And then with another yell he began tearing at the clothes with all his might, trying to get them off, but of course it was no use for although he almost turned himself inside out, they stuck to him like sticking plaster.

He began tearing at his clothes with all his might

"You're a nice one!" he shouted, shaking his finger under Winn's nose. "You ought to be arrested. How dared you sit there and let me put these awful things on? I just hope your father, and your grandfather, and your uncle, and your big brother get stuck the same way. I certainly do!"

"They are stuck," said Winn. "They've been stuck for some time. That is why I am working for Toobad. And I'm very sorry I did not warn you about the clothes in time."

And then he told his mother's aunt's second cousin what a fix his folks were in and how if you did not pay for the clothes every week they squeezed you until you did.

"Sakes alive!" groaned his mother's aunt's second cousin, "isn't it dreadful the trouble some people have? Here I am all dressed up fine but I can't enjoy it a bit after what you've told me."

Then he escorted Winn to the door and said he never wanted to see his face again. "I'm sorry to have to say it," he continued, "but until you came a little while ago my life was full of sunshine and now it is nothing but a mud puddle. But I forgive you. Good-by!"

Well, you may be sure Winn felt terribly gloomy as he went back to Toobad's shop. When he hired out as the tailor's errand boy in order to help his family, he had not thought how he would be bringing distress into other families by delivering Toobad's enchanted clothes. But he could see now, after the scene with his mother's aunt's second cousin, how selfish and wicked it was for him to help Toobad get other people into trouble in order to make things easier for his own folks. So he determined that he would give up his job right away.

"I've decided not to be your errand boy any longer," he said to the enchanter, as he handed him the money he had received from his mother's aunt's second cousin. "I find you are too wicked to work for."

"Humph!" said the tailor, "and why am I any wickeder now than I was this morning? You were glad to work for me then."

"I know," said Winn, "but I have just seen my mother's aunt's second cousin turn from a carefree, happy person into a miserable wretch, and all because I delivered him one of your enchanted suits of clothes. And I cannot help you in your crimes any longer even if my family do suffer. Good afternoon!"

"Good afternoon nothing!" shouted Toobad. "Come back here at once. Yesterday when I did not want an errand boy you talked me into having one, and now that I've gotten used to having one you want me to do without one. Well, I shan't do it. You'll work for me whether you want to or not."

And with that he stretched out his hand toward Winn and then drew it back and when he drew it back something mysterious drew Winn back also, and though he tried to get to the door he could not move.

"Now," said Toobad, "will you work for me or not?"

"No," said Winn, firmly, "I will never work for you if I can help it."

"Very well, then," said the enchanter, "you shall work for me because you cannot help it."

And with that he repeated the alphabet backward like lightning, wiggling his fingers at the same time, and in a flash Winn was transformed into a tailor's dummy, after which Toobad placed him on the sidewalk outside his shop with one of the enchanted suits on him and with a sign on his breast which read:

TAKE ME HOME FOR $3.75

so people could see what fine, cheap clothes were sold inside.

And maybe Winn did not feel bad as he stood there day after day not even able to roll his eyes or move or speak. And on Saturday night he felt particularly bad because his father, and his grandfather, and his uncle, and his big brother came by the shop arm in arm, all whistling merrily because they did not have to pay Toobad any money that week and were going to a movie instead.

"My, my!" they exclaimed, when they saw Winn by the door, "doesn't that image look exactly like our Winn, but of course it cannot be because it's made of wax." And then the next moment they went on their way as happy as larks.

"Oh, dear!" said Winn to himself, miserably, "whatever am I going to do? How am I ever going to escape from this terrible tailor? If only I could think of some way."

And later when Toobad had brought him indoors and shut the shop, and gone off to bed and left him standing in a dark corner, he thought and thought with all his might, for he felt if he did not find some way to break the enchantment he might as well die.

And then as he was still puzzling over the problem he heard a stealthy step, and into the room came Toobad in his nightgown, holding a lighted candle in his hand, and Winn saw that he was walking in his sleep. And not only was he walking in his sleep but he was talking in his sleep also, and this is what he was saying:

Of all the gents who wear my clothes

Not one has ever guessed, sir,

That he could break the magic spell

By pulling down his vest, sir.

Oh, yes, indeed, there is no need

Why he should be distressed, sir,

If he but knows enchanted clothes

Are governed by the vest, sir.

And when Winn heard what he was saying he knew right away that if he could only escape he could easily get his father, and grandfather, and uncle, and big brother out of the power of Toobad the tailor, for he only had to tell them to pull down their vests and they would be rid forever of the hateful clothing they were wearing. But alas, it was one thing to want to get home, and another to get there, for while he was transformed into a tailor's dummy he was utterly helpless and could only stand and watch Toobad as he wandered about the shop with his eyes shut and the lighted candle in his hand.

And then all of a sudden something happened that transformed him from a tailor's dummy into a very real boy, for Toobad, not seeing where he was going, bumped right into him and the flame of the candle came right against Winn's nose—only for a moment—but it was long enough to scorch it and to make Winn yell—ouch! at the top of his lungs, and to joggle all the enchantment out of him. And if you did not believe an enchanted person can be cured by scorching his nose, just get yourself enchanted and scorch your nose and see if it does not work.

Anyway, it cured Winn, and not only that but it woke Toobad up. And when the tailor found himself in his shop with his nightgown on, and found Winn changed from a dummy into a regular boy again, he was furious.

"Zounds!" he shrieked, dancing up and down, "how the—what the—where did I come from and how did you get all right again?"

And when Winn told him he was more furious than ever. "Well," he said, "I'll soon fix you anyway." And thereupon he began to say the alphabet backward the same as he had done before, but by the time he had said three letters and before the enchantment had had time to work, Winn rushed at him and knocked the candle to the floor. And then while the shop was in darkness he unhooked the door and ran home as fast as he could. When he got there it was past midnight and of course every one was asleep, but by and by his mother heard him knocking and let him in.

And you may be sure it did not take his father, or his grandfather, or his uncle, or his big brother long to hop out of bed where they had been sleeping with their clothes on because they could not get them off. And maybe they were not surprised when they learned that Winn had really been the tailor's dummy they had seen outside the shop. And maybe they were not delighted when they found that Winn knew of a way for them to get rid of the enchanted clothes. And maybe they did not pull down their vests in a hurry as soon as Winn had finished telling them about it.

"My gracious," said Winn's grandfather, as he peeled the last of the hated garments from him, "I feel twenty years younger. And I can hardly wait until morning to get my hands on that villainous tailor."

"Nor I," said Winn's father.

"Me, too," said Winn's uncle.

"I daren't tell you what I'll do to him," said Winn's big brother.

And the first thing after breakfast they all went around to Toobad's shop dressed in their old clothes, and each one of them kept his word so well that Toobad was laid up in the hospital for a week. And every time he got well and came out again a fresh batch of victims was waiting to send him back again, for Winn had gone all about the city telling everybody who had bought the enchanted clothes, how to pull down their vests and get rid of them. And, of course, one of the first persons he told after his immediate family was his mother's aunt's second cousin. But as his mother's aunt's second cousin had forgotten to put on his vest when he donned his enchanted suit, he could not pull his vest down. And so the only thing to do was to give him chloroform and skin the clothes off him a little strip at a time. After which they sent him to the hospital also, where he lay in bed right alongside of Toobad the tailor.

And perhaps that is the reason Toobad is still in the hospital, for after Winn's mother's aunt's second cousin got well, he refused to go home, but sat down on the hospital steps to wait for Toobad. And neither Winn's father, nor his grandfather, nor his uncle, nor his big brother, were able to coax him away.

But as for Winn, he did not try to coax him, indeed he soon forgot all about his mother's aunt's second cousin, for all the persons in Vex who had been wearing Toobad's enchanted clothes, began sending Winn presents to show their gratitude, and when you have sixteen gold watches, and a couple of ponies, and skates, and air guns, and pretty much every sort of a thing that a boy likes, you cannot think of much else.

The best you can do is just to enjoy yourself, and if you think Winn is not doing that, take a trip to Vex some day and you will soon find out.