News
by Unknown · from More English Fairy Tales
Adapted Version
Mr. Green was very happy. He saw his friend, John. "Hello, John!" said Mr. Green. "What news from my home?"
John looked a little sad. He said, "Sir, the magpie is gone. First news from home. It is true."
Mr. Green asked, "Oh! Why is the magpie gone? How did this happen?" John said, "It ate too much horse food. It ate very, very much."
Mr. Green asked, "Where was the horse food from? Why was it there?" John said, "Your father's horses are not there. They are gone now. This is true."
Mr. Green asked, "What? Why are the horses gone? Tell me why." John said, "They worked very, very hard. They carried water all day."
Mr. Green asked, "Why did they carry water? What for?" John said, "It was for a big fire. A very big fire."
Mr. Green asked, "Fire? What fire was it?" John said, "Your father's house is gone."
Mr. Green asked, "How did the fire start?" John said, "It was from bright lights. Very bright lights."
Mr. Green asked, "Bright lights? What were they for?" John said, "They were for a sad gathering. For your mother."
Mr. Green asked, "My mother? Is my mother gone?" John said, "She became very sad after it. And then she went away."
Mr. Green asked, "What was 'it'?" John said, "It was when your father went away."
Mr. Green asked, "My father? Is my father gone?" John said, "He became very sad. After hearing the bad news. Then he went away."
Mr. Green asked, "Bad news? What bad news?" John said, "You lost all your money. This is why I came."
"Oh no!" said Mr. Green. "All my money is gone!"
Original Story
News!
MR. G. Ha! Steward, how are you, my old boy? How do things go on at home?
STEWARD. Bad enough, your honour; the magpie's dead!
MR. G. Poor mag! so he's gone. How came he to die?
STEWARD. Over-ate himself, Sir.
MR. G. Did he indeed? a greedy dog. Why, what did he get that he liked so well?
STEWARD. Horseflesh; he died of eating horseflesh.
MR. G. How came he to get so much horseflesh?
STEWARD. All your father's horses, Sir.
MR. G. What! are they dead too?
STEWARD. Ay, Sir; they died of over-work.
MR. G. And why were they over-worked?
STEWARD. To carry water, Sir.
MR. G. To carry water, and what were they carrying water for?
STEWARD. Sure, Sir, to put out the fire.
MR. G. Fire! what fire?
STEWARD. Your father's house is burned down to the ground.
MR. G. My father's house burnt down! and how came it to be on fire?
STEWARD. I think, Sir, it must have been the torches.
MR G. Torches! what torches?
STEWARD. At your mother's funeral.
MR. G. My mother dead?
STEWARD. Ay, poor lady, she never looked up after it.
MR. G. After what?
STEWARD. The loss of your father.
MR. G. My father gone too?
STEWARD. Yes, poor gentleman, he took to his bed as soon as he heard of it.
MR. G. Heard of what?
STEWARD. The bad news, an' it please your honour.
MR. G. What? more miseries, more bad news!
STEWARD. Yes, Sir, your bank has failed, your credit is lost and you're not worth a shilling in the world. I make bold, Sir, to come and wait on you about it; for I thought you would like to hear the news.
Story DNA
Plot Summary
A gentleman, Mr. G, asks his steward for news from home. The steward slowly reveals a series of escalating disasters, starting with the death of a magpie. Through a chain of questions, Mr. G learns that the magpie died from eating horseflesh, the horses died from overwork putting out a fire, the fire burned down his father's house, it was caused by torches at his mother's funeral, his mother died after his father, and his father died after hearing 'the bad news'. Finally, the steward reveals the ultimate 'bad news' is Mr. G's complete financial ruin, which was the reason the steward came to see him.
Themes
Emotional Arc
amusement to shock
Writing Style
Narrative Elements
Cultural Context
This type of escalating, delayed revelation humor was common in oral traditions and early printed jests, often highlighting the absurdity of indirect communication.
Plot Beats (13)
- Mr. G greets his steward and asks for news from home.
- The steward reports the magpie is dead.
- Mr. G asks how the magpie died, and the steward says it over-ate horseflesh.
- Mr. G asks how the magpie got so much horseflesh, and the steward reveals all his father's horses are dead.
- Mr. G asks why the horses died, and the steward says they were over-worked carrying water.
- Mr. G asks why they carried water, and the steward says it was to put out a fire.
- Mr. G asks what fire, and the steward says his father's house burned down.
- Mr. G asks how the house caught fire, and the steward says it was from torches.
- Mr. G asks what torches, and the steward says they were for his mother's funeral.
- Mr. G asks if his mother is dead, and the steward confirms she never recovered after 'it'.
- Mr. G asks what 'it' was, and the steward says it was the loss of his father.
- Mr. G asks if his father is dead, and the steward confirms he took to his bed after hearing 'the bad news'.
- Mr. G asks what 'bad news', and the steward finally reveals Mr. G's bank has failed, his credit is lost, and he is penniless.
Characters
Mr. G
A man of presumably comfortable means, likely in his late 20s or early 30s, with a well-fed but not overly robust build. His posture might initially be relaxed and confident, but would gradually become more agitated and slumped as he receives bad news. His skin tone would be fair, indicative of a life not spent in manual labor.
Attire: Finely tailored gentleman's attire from the late 18th or early 19th century. This would include a dark wool frock coat with wide lapels, a crisp white linen shirt with a ruffled jabot, a silk waistcoat in a contrasting color (perhaps deep red or forest green), knee breeches, white stockings, and polished leather buckled shoes. He might carry a gold-headed cane.
Wants: To maintain his comfortable, privileged lifestyle and understand the sudden changes affecting his estate and family.
Flaw: Complacency and a lack of direct involvement in his family's affairs, leading to him being completely out of touch with the unfolding disasters.
He undergoes a rapid and devastating transformation from a man of wealth and privilege to a pauper, losing his entire family and fortune within the span of a single conversation. He learns the harsh reality of his financial and familial ruin.
Initially jovial, somewhat complacent, and perhaps a little self-important, he quickly becomes bewildered, then shocked, and finally overwhelmed by a cascade of misfortunes. He is slow to grasp the full implications of the news.
Steward
An elderly man, perhaps in his 60s or 70s, with a lean, weathered build from years of service and hard work. His posture would be slightly stooped, but still respectful and attentive. His skin would be ruddy and lined, indicative of outdoor work and age.
Attire: Practical, durable servant's livery from the late 18th or early 19th century. This would include a dark, sturdy wool coat (perhaps brown or grey) with brass buttons, a plain linen shirt, a simple waistcoat, dark breeches, and practical leather shoes. He might carry a small, worn leather pouch or a set of keys on his belt.
Wants: To inform Mr. G of the catastrophic events that have befallen his family and estate, fulfilling his duty as a loyal servant.
Flaw: His bluntness and tendency to deliver news in a piecemeal fashion, which prolongs Mr. G's agony.
He remains largely unchanged, serving as the messenger of doom. His character arc is static, representing the steadfast, if grim, bearer of truth.
Stoic, dutiful, and perhaps a little morbidly literal. He delivers devastating news in a matter-of-fact, almost deadpan manner, revealing the full extent of the tragedy piece by piece without much emotional display.
The Magpie
A medium-sized bird, approximately 18 inches long, with iridescent black plumage on its head, back, and wings, contrasting sharply with a bright white belly and shoulder patches. Its long tail feathers would shimmer with blue and green hues in the light. It would appear plump due to overeating.
Attire: Natural plumage, black and white with iridescent blue-green sheen on the tail and wings.
Wants: To eat.
Flaw: Gluttony, leading to its demise.
Dies at the very beginning of the story, serving as the first piece of bad news and a morbid foreshadowing of greater losses.
Greedy, as described by Mr. G.
Locations
Mr. G's Current Location
An unspecified location where Mr. G is encountered by his Steward, likely away from his family estate, perhaps a public thoroughfare or a temporary lodging.
Mood: Initially jovial and unsuspecting, quickly turning to shock and despair as news is revealed.
The entire conversation where Mr. G receives all the devastating news.
The Father's House (Burned Down)
The remains of a once-grand English country house, now reduced to ashes and rubble. The structure, likely a Georgian or early Victorian manor, would have featured brick or stone construction, multiple stories, and perhaps a slate roof, now all gone.
Mood: Desolate, tragic, ruinous, filled with the lingering scent of smoke and destruction.
The destruction of the family home, a symbol of their former prosperity.
The Family Estate Stables
The stables of the family estate, now empty or containing only the remnants of activity, where the horses were overworked to carry water.
Mood: Somber, quiet, echoing with the absence of the horses.
The place where the horses were overworked and died, leading to the magpie's demise.