Sir Gammer Vans
by Unknown · from More English Fairy Tales
Adapted Version
One day, I went on a trip. I sailed over big mountains. I sailed in my little boat. I saw two men. They rode one horse together.
I asked them a question. "Is the old woman here?" I said. "She went away last week." They did not know.
"Go see Mr. Vans," they said. "His house is easy to find." "It is a brick house," they said. "It is alone. But sixty houses are there too."
"That is easy!" I said. So I went to find him.
Mr. Vans was a giant. He made bottles. He popped out of a tiny bottle! He was very, very big.
"Hello!" he said. "Hello!" I said. "Do you want breakfast?" he asked. "Yes, please!" I said.
He gave me strange food. I got a slice of beer. I got a cup of cold meat. A little dog sat under the table. It ate all the crumbs.
"Bad dog!" I said. "No, he is good," said Mr. Vans. "He caught a rabbit yesterday." "But look! The rabbit is alive!" He showed me. The rabbit sat in a basket. It was alive!
Then he showed me his garden. I saw a fox on some eggs. They were eagle eggs! I saw an iron tree. It had pears on it. I saw the rabbit. It was still alive! I saw sticks hitting plants. The sticks worked very hard.
One stick flew through the wall. It went past a little dog outside. The dog cried out loud.
I jumped over the wall. The dog spun around very fast. Then it ran away very quickly. It was so funny!
Then we went to the park. I saw many deer. I had to get one for the king. I shot my arrow. But I missed! The arrow went right past them.
I lost my arrow. Then I found it. It was in a tree. I touched it. It was sticky. I smelled it. It smelled like honey. "Oh!" I said. "Bees live here!"
Then many birds flew out! I caught many, many birds. I caught so many birds! Then I caught a flying fish. It flew over a bridge.
I took it all home. I made an apple pie. It was the best pie ever. It was a very strange day! But it was fun.
Original Story
Sir Gammer Vans
Last Sunday morning at six o'clock in the evening as I was sailing over the tops of the mountains in my little boat, I met two men on horseback riding on one mare: So I asked them, "Could they tell me whether the little old woman was dead yet who was hanged last Saturday week for drowning herself in a shower of feathers?" They said they could not positively inform me, but if I went to Sir Gammer Vans he could tell me all about it. "But how am I to know the house?" said I. "Ho, 't is easy enough," said they, "for 't is a brick house, built entirely of flints, standing alone by itself in the middle of sixty or seventy others just like it."
"Oh, nothing in the world is easier," said I.
"Nothing can be easier," said they: so I went on my way.
Now this Sir G. Vans was a giant, and a bottle-maker. And as all giants who are bottle-makers usually pop out of a little thumb-bottle from behind the door, so did Sir G. Vans.
"How d'ye do?" says he.
"Very well, I thank you," says I.
"Have some breakfast with me?"
"With all my heart," says I.
So he gave me a slice of beer, and a cup of cold veal; and there was a little dog under the table that picked up all the crumbs.
"Hang him," says I.
"No, don't hang him," says he; "for he killed a hare yesterday. And if you don't believe me, I'll show you the hare alive in a basket."
So he took me into his garden to show me the curiosities. In one corner there was a fox hatching eagle's eggs; in another there was an iron apple tree, entirely covered with pears and lead; in the third there was the hare which the dog killed yesterday alive in the basket; and in the fourth there were twenty-four hipper switches threshing tobacco, and at the sight of me they threshed so hard that they drove the plug through the wall, and through a little dog that was passing by on the other side. I, hearing the dog howl, jumped over the wall; and turned it as neatly inside out as possible, when it ran away as if it had not an hour to live. Then he took me into the park to show me his deer: and I remembered that I had a warrant in my pocket to shoot venison for his majesty's dinner. So I set fire to my bow, poised my arrow, and shot amongst them. I broke seventeen ribs on one side, and twenty-one and a half on the other; but my arrow passed clean through without ever touching it, and the worst was I lost my arrow: however, I found it again in the hollow of a tree. I felt it; it felt clammy. I smelt it; it smelt honey. "Oh, ho," said I, "here's a bee's nest," when out sprang a covey of partridges. I shot at them; some say I killed eighteen; but I am sure I killed thirty-six, besides a dead salmon which was flying over the bridge, of which I made the best apple-pie I ever tasted.
Story DNA
Plot Summary
The narrator recounts a series of impossible events, beginning with sailing over mountains and asking two men for directions to a woman hanged for drowning herself. Directed to Sir Gammer Vans via absurd instructions, the narrator meets the giant bottle-maker and partakes in a breakfast of beer and veal. Sir Gammer Vans then shows off his garden of wonders, including a fox hatching eagle's eggs and a live hare killed by a dog, followed by a hunting expedition where the narrator's arrow passes through a deer without touching it, only to find partridges and a flying salmon, which are then used to make an apple-pie.
Themes
Emotional Arc
amusement to bewilderment
Writing Style
Narrative Elements
Cultural Context
This is a classic example of a 'nonsense tale' or 'lying tale,' popular in oral tradition, designed purely for amusement through absurdities and paradoxes.
Plot Beats (13)
- The narrator recounts sailing over mountains and meeting two men on horseback riding one mare.
- The narrator asks the men if a woman, hanged for drowning herself in feathers, is dead.
- The men direct the narrator to Sir Gammer Vans, giving impossible directions to his house.
- The narrator meets Sir Gammer Vans, a giant bottle-maker who pops out of a thumb-bottle.
- Sir Gammer Vans offers the narrator breakfast, serving a slice of beer and a cup of cold veal.
- A dog under the table picks up crumbs, and Sir Gammer Vans explains it killed a hare, which he will show alive.
- In the garden, the narrator sees a fox hatching eagle's eggs, an iron apple tree with pears, the live hare, and 'hipper switches' threshing tobacco.
- The 'hipper switches' thresh so hard they drive a plug through a wall and a passing dog.
- The narrator jumps over the wall, turns the dog inside out, and it runs away as if it had little time to live.
- In the park, the narrator attempts to shoot venison for the king, breaking ribs on an unseen deer but missing it entirely.
- The narrator finds the lost arrow in a hollow tree, discovers it's clammy and smells of honey, thinking it's a bee's nest.
- A covey of partridges springs out of the tree; the narrator shoots them, killing an exaggerated number.
- The narrator also shoots a dead salmon flying over a bridge and makes the best apple-pie from it.
Characters
The Narrator
Average height and build, unremarkable features, suggesting a common man who experiences extraordinary events without being extraordinary himself.
Attire: Simple, practical clothing suitable for travel, such as a sturdy linen tunic, wool breeches, and leather boots, in muted earthy tones. Nothing ostentatious, allowing him to blend in.
Wants: To satisfy his curiosity and experience the world, no matter how nonsensical it is.
Flaw: His gullibility and tendency to accept absurdities at face value, which could lead him into dangerous or ridiculous situations.
He remains largely unchanged, continuing his journey through the absurd, his perspective solidified by his experiences.
Credulous, observant, adventurous, slightly boastful, unfazed by the absurd. He accepts the impossible without question.
Two Men on Horseback
Two men of indeterminate age and build, sharing a single mare. Their appearance is secondary to their absurd mode of transport.
Attire: Practical, slightly worn clothing suitable for travel, such as simple tunics, trousers, and cloaks in muted colors, suggesting they are common folk on a journey.
Wants: To continue their journey, whatever its purpose may be.
Flaw: Their complete lack of critical thinking or questioning of the illogical.
They do not change; they serve as a brief, surreal waypoint for the Narrator.
Helpful, matter-of-fact, completely unfazed by the absurdities of their own existence and the world around them.
Sir Gammer Vans
A giant, implying immense height and a proportionally large build. Despite being a giant, he is described as popping out of a 'little thumb-bottle,' suggesting a paradoxical ability to shrink or appear from small spaces. His overall appearance would be robust and imposing.
Attire: Practical, oversized clothing befitting a giant who is also a bottle-maker. Perhaps a sturdy, simple tunic and trousers made of coarse fabric, possibly with a leather apron over it, in earthy tones. The clothes would appear well-worn.
Wants: To live his life amidst his collection of curiosities and entertain guests with them.
Flaw: His complete immersion in the illogical, which might make him oblivious to genuine threats or practical concerns.
He remains consistent, a stable point of absurdity in the Narrator's journey.
Hospitable, matter-of-fact about the absurd, a collector of paradoxes, slightly eccentric. He takes pride in his illogical possessions.
The Little Dog (under the table)
A small dog, likely a terrier or similar breed, with a scruffy coat, agile enough to pick up crumbs quickly. Its size suggests it's a house pet.
Attire: None, as it is an animal.
Wants: To eat crumbs and hunt small game.
Flaw: Its small size makes it vulnerable to external forces (like a plug through the wall).
It is killed and then miraculously revived, running away as if it had not an hour to live, showing a brief moment of vulnerability and then resilience.
Opportunistic, quick, a skilled hunter (despite its size).
Locations
Mountain Tops (Sailing)
The surreal setting where the narrator is sailing in a small boat over the very tops of mountains, implying an impossible elevation and perspective.
Mood: Absurd, whimsical, disorienting.
The narrator begins their journey and encounters the two men who direct them to Sir Gammer Vans.
Sir Gammer Vans' House
A paradoxical brick house built entirely of flints, standing alone in the middle of many identical houses. Inside, it's where Sir Gammer Vans, a giant bottle-maker, pops out of a thumb-bottle.
Mood: Quirky, illogical, domestic yet absurd.
The narrator arrives and has a nonsensical breakfast with Sir Gammer Vans.
Sir Gammer Vans' Garden
A garden filled with bizarre 'curiosities' in each corner: a fox hatching eagle's eggs, an iron apple tree covered in pears and lead, a living hare in a basket, and hipper switches threshing tobacco.
Mood: Surreal, bewildering, full of impossible wonders.
Sir Gammer Vans shows the narrator his collection of impossible garden features.
Sir Gammer Vans' Park
A park where Sir Gammer Vans keeps his deer, and where the narrator attempts to shoot venison, leading to more impossible events involving an arrow, a tree hollow, honey, partridges, and a flying salmon.
Mood: Chaotic, action-packed, utterly illogical.
The narrator's hunting attempt results in a cascade of impossible events.