Never-wash

Never-wash

Once upon a time there was a soldier who had served through three

campaigns, but had never earned as much as an addled egg, and was then

put on the retired list. Then, as he went on the road marching on and

on, he became tired and sat down by a lake. And, as he rested, he began

thinking things out: “Where shall I now betake myself, and how shall I

feed myself, and how the devil shall I enter into any service?”

As soon as he had spoken these words a little devil rose up at once in

front of him and said, “Hail, soldier, what do you wish? Did you just

now not say that you wished to become one of our servants? Why, soldier,

come up and be hired: we will pay you well.”

“What is the work?”

“Oh, the work is easy enough: for fifteen years you must not shave, you

must not have your hair cut, you must not blow your nose, and you must

not change your garb. If you serve this service, then we will go to the

king, who has three daughters. Two of them are mine, but the third shall

be yours.”

“Very well,” said the soldier, “I will undertake the contract; but I

require in return to get anything my soul hankers after.”

“It shall be so; be at peace; we shall not be in default.”

“Well, let it befall at once. Carry me at once into the capital and give

me a pile of money; you know yourself how little of these goods a

soldier ever gets.”

So the little devil dashed into the lake, got out a pile of gold, and

instantaneously carried the soldier into the great city, and all at once

he was there!

“What a fool I have been!” said the soldier: “I have not done any

service, no work, and I now have the money!” So he took a room, never

cut his hair, never shaved, never wiped his nose, never changed his

garb, and he lived on and grew wealthy, so wealthy he did not know what

to do with his money. What was he to do with his silver and gold? “Oh,

very well, I will start helping the poor: possibly they may pray for my

soul.” So the soldier began distributing alms to the needy, to the right

and to the left, and he still had money over, however much he gave away!

His fame spread over the whole kingdom, came to the ears of all.

So the soldier lived for fourteen years, and on the fifteenth year the

Tsar’s exchequer gave out. So he summoned the soldier. So the soldier

came to him unwashed, unshaved, uncombed, with his nose unwiped and his

dress unchanged.

“Health, your Majesty!”

“Listen, soldier. You, they say, are good to all folks: will you lend me

some money? I have not enough to pay my troops. If you will I will make

you a general at once.”

“No, your Majesty, I do not wish to be a general; but if you will do me

a favour, give me one of your daughters as my wife, and you shall have

as much money as you wish for the Treasury.”

So the king began to think: he was very fond of his daughters, but still

he could not do anything whatsoever without money. “Well,” he said, “I

agree. Have a portrait taken of yourself; I will show it to my daughters

and ask which of them will take you.”

So the soldier returned, had the portrait painted, which was feature for

feature, unshaved, unwashed, uncombed, his nose unwiped, and in his old

garb, and sent it to the Tsar.

Now, the Tsar had three daughters, and the father summoned them and

showed them the soldier’s portrait. He said to the eldest, “Will you go

and marry him? He will redeem me from very great embarrassment.”

The Tsarévna saw what a monstrous animal had been painted, with tangled

hair, uncut nails and unwiped nose. “I certainly won’t!” she said, “I

would sooner go to the Devil.” And from somewhere or other the Devil

appeared, stood behind her with pen and paper, heard what she said, and

entered her soul on his register.

Then the father asked the next daughter, “Will you go and marry the

soldier?”

“What! I would rather remain a maiden; I would rather tie myself up with

the Devil than go with him.” So the Devil went and inscribed her soul as

well.

Then the father asked his youngest daughter, and she answered,

“Evidently this must be my lot: I will go and marry him and see what God

shall give.”

Then the Tsar was very blithe at this, and he went and told the soldier

to make ready for the betrothal, and he sent him twelve carts to carry

the money away.

Then the soldier made use of his devil: “There are twelve carts; pile

them all high at once with gold.” So the devil ran into the lake and the

unholy ones set to work. Some of them brought up one sack, some two, and

they soon filled the carts and sent them to the Tsar, into his palace.

Then the Tsar looked, and now summoned the soldier to him every day, sat

with him at one table, and ate and drank with him. When they got ready

for the marriage the term of fifteen years was over. So he called the

little devil and said, “Now my service is over: turn me into a youth.”

So the devil cut him up into little bits, threw them into a cauldron,

and began to brew him—brewed him, washed him and collected all his

bones, one by one, in the proper way, every bone with every bone, every

joint with every joint, every nerve with every nerve: then he sprinkled

them with the water of life, and the soldier arose, such a fine young

man as no tale can tell and no pen can write. He then married the

youngest Tsarévna, and they began to live a merry life of good.

              *       *       *       *       *

I was at the wedding: I drank mead and beer. They also had wine, and I

drank it to the very dregs.

              *       *       *       *       *

But the little devil ran back into the lake, for his elder hauled him

over the coals to answer for what he had done with the soldier. “He has

served out his period faithfully and honourably: he has never once

shaved himself, nor cut his hair, nor wiped his nose, nor changed his

clothes.”

Then the elder was very angry. He said, “In fifteen years you were not

able to corrupt the soldier! Was all the money given in vain? What sort

of a devil will you be after this?” And he had him thrown into the

burning pitch.

“Oh no, please, grandfather,” said the grandson, “I have lost the

soldier’s soul, but I have gained two others.”

“What?”

“Look: the soldier thought of marrying a Tsarévna; the two elder

daughters both declined and said they would rather marry a devil than

the soldier. So there they are, and they belong to us.”

So the grandfather-devil approved what the grandson-imp had done, and

set him free. “Yes,” he said, “you know your business very well indeed.”