The Catted Anarchist
by Ambrose Bierce · from Fantastic Fables
Adapted Version
Once there was a man. He did not like rules. His name was Mr. Grumpy. He liked his own way. He did not like others.
Mr. Grumpy walked down the street. A child played nearby. The child threw a toy car. It hit Mr. Grumpy's face. The car hit his nose. It hurt his nose. Mr. Grumpy frowned. Mr. Grumpy was not happy. He felt very cross.
Mr. Grumpy held the toy car. He went to Judge Wise. Judge Wise was a kind man. Judge Wise had a big desk. He listened to all. Mr. Grumpy said, "This car hit me! It broke a rule." Judge Wise listened.
Judge Wise looked at Mr. Grumpy. He said, "You do not like rules. Why do you want rules now?" Mr. Grumpy felt confused. He thought about rules. Mr. Grumpy looked at the car. He did not say much.
Mr. Grumpy said, "This is different. I want justice. The toy car was bad. He pointed at it. He wanted the car to pay.
Judge Wise thought. He looked at the car. He looked at Mr. Grumpy. "The car broke a rule," he said. "It must be cleaned. It must be put away. It is for sharing."
Judge Wise looked at Mr. Grumpy. "You will clean the car," he said. "You will put it away." Mr. Grumpy was surprised.
Mr. Grumpy sighed. He did not want to. He took the car. He found a cloth. He wiped the car clean. He put it on a shelf. It looked nice there.
The child stood nearby. The child watched Mr. Grumpy. The child smiled a big smile.
Mr. Grumpy learned that day. Rules are good for everyone. They help us all.
Original Story
The Catted Anarchist
An Anarchist Orator who had been struck in the face with a Dead Cat by some Respector of Law to him unknown, had the Dead Cat arrested and taken before a Magistrate.
“Why do you appeal to the law?” said the Magistrate—“You who go in for the abolition of law.”
“That,” replied the Anarchist, who was not without a certain hardness of head, “that is none of your business; I am not bound to be consistent. You sit here to do justice between me and this Dead Cat.”
“Very well,” said the Magistrate, putting on the black cap and a solemn look; “as the accused makes no defence, and is undoubtedly guilty, I sentence her to be eaten by the public executioner; and as that position happens to be vacant, I appoint you to it, without bonds.”
One of the most delighted spectators at the execution was the anonymous Respector of Law who had flung the condemned.
Story DNA
Moral
Those who rail against the law may be quick to use it when it suits their own interests.
Plot Summary
An Anarchist Orator, struck by a dead cat, paradoxically seeks legal justice against the cat. The Magistrate questions his inconsistency, but the Anarchist insists on his right to appeal to the law. In a twist of ironic justice, the Magistrate sentences the cat and appoints the Anarchist himself as the executioner, much to the amusement of the original assailant.
Themes
Emotional Arc
frustration to ironic satisfaction
Writing Style
Narrative Elements
Cultural Context
Ambrose Bierce was known for his dark humor and cynical view of human nature and institutions, often satirizing political and social conventions of his time.
Plot Beats (8)
- An Anarchist Orator is assaulted with a dead cat by an unknown person.
- The Anarchist, despite his anti-law beliefs, has the dead cat arrested and brought before a Magistrate.
- The Magistrate challenges the Anarchist's hypocrisy in seeking legal recourse.
- The Anarchist asserts his right to inconsistency and demands justice against the cat.
- The Magistrate, playing along, sentences the dead cat to be eaten by the public executioner.
- The Magistrate then appoints the Anarchist as the public executioner.
- The Anarchist is forced to carry out the 'execution' of the dead cat.
- The person who originally threw the cat watches the scene with great amusement.
Characters
Anarchist Orator ★ protagonist
A man of average height and build, perhaps a bit disheveled from his public speaking and recent altercation. His face might show a slight redness or mark where the dead cat struck him, indicating a recent impact.
Attire: He would wear practical, somewhat worn clothing typical of a working-class orator or intellectual of the late 19th century, possibly a dark, ill-fitting suit jacket over a simple shirt, with trousers that are a bit rumpled. No frills or ostentation, reflecting his anti-establishment views.
Wants: To see justice served, even if it means temporarily aligning with the system he despises, and to maintain his personal integrity and principles (or lack thereof, as he sees it).
Flaw: His rigid adherence to his own logic, even when it appears contradictory, can lead him into absurd situations. His defiance can also be easily manipulated.
He begins as a victim seeking justice and ends as an unwilling executioner, forced by the system to perform an absurd act, highlighting the ironic consequences of his own 'hard-headed' logic.
Inconsistent, hard-headed, defiant, pragmatic, argumentative.
Image Prompt & Upload
An adult man of average height and lean build, facing forward, full body visible head to toe. He has a stern, determined face with a slightly unkempt dark mustache and beard, sharp dark eyes, and dark, medium-length, unruly hair. He wears a dark, somewhat rumpled suit jacket over a plain, light-colored shirt, and dark, practical trousers. His posture is rigid and defiant. He holds a limp, grey dead cat by its tail in his right hand. Plain white background, full body visible head to toe, single figure, no watermark, no text, no signature.
Magistrate ◆ supporting
A man of authority, likely of a respectable build, perhaps a bit portly, indicating a life of comfort and position. He would appear composed and formal.
Attire: He wears the formal attire of a late 19th-century magistrate: a dark, well-tailored judicial robe, possibly with a white cravat or collar. He would also have a 'black cap' for sentencing, a traditional item for judges during capital punishment.
Wants: To uphold the law (or at least the appearance of it), to dispense justice (however absurdly), and to subtly mock those who challenge the system.
Flaw: Perhaps a slight enjoyment of the absurd, which can lead him to make unconventional rulings.
He remains consistent in his role, serving as the instrument through which the Anarchist's contradictory logic is exposed and turned against him.
Witty, ironic, formal, shrewd, observant, enjoys wordplay and turning arguments back on themselves.
Image Prompt & Upload
An adult man of respectable build, facing forward, full body visible head to toe. He has a clean-shaven, shrewd face with observant eyes, and neatly combed grey hair. He wears a dark, well-tailored judicial robe with a white cravat, and a black cap on his head. His expression is solemn but with a hint of dry amusement. Plain white background, full body visible head to toe, single figure, no watermark, no text, no signature.
Dead Cat ○ minor
A deceased domestic cat, likely of an average size, with matted fur and a limp posture, showing no signs of life. Its fur might be a common color like grey, black, or tabby.
Attire: None, as it is a dead animal.
Wants: None, as it is deceased.
Flaw: Being dead.
It begins as an inanimate object used as a weapon, is then treated as a defendant, and ultimately becomes the subject of an absurd 'execution'.
None, as it is deceased.
Image Prompt & Upload
A limp, grey domestic cat, facing forward, full body visible head to toe. Its fur is matted, and its body is utterly still, showing no signs of life. Its eyes are closed. Plain white background, full body visible head to toe, single figure, no watermark, no text, no signature.
Respector of Law ○ minor
An anonymous figure, likely of average height and build, blending into a crowd. His appearance would be unremarkable, allowing him to remain unnoticed.
Attire: He would wear typical late 19th-century civilian clothing, such as a dark suit or overcoat, and a hat, designed to make him blend into the background of a public gathering.
Wants: To express his disapproval of the Anarchist Orator's views and to cause a disturbance, then to enjoy the ironic consequences.
Flaw: His anonymity prevents him from being a more developed character, and his actions are purely reactive.
He remains an unseen catalyst, observing the unfolding absurdity he initiated.
Mischievous, anonymous, enjoys pranks, respects authority (or at least dislikes anarchists), finds humor in others' predicaments.
Image Prompt & Upload
An adult man of average height and build, facing forward, full body visible head to toe. He has an ordinary face with a smug, satisfied expression, and common dark hair. He wears a dark, plain suit jacket and trousers, with a simple dark hat. His posture is relaxed, observing the scene. Plain white background, full body visible head to toe, single figure, no watermark, no text, no signature.
Locations
Public Street/Square
A public space where the Anarchist Orator was addressing a crowd, likely a common gathering point in a city or town.
Mood: tense, confrontational, public
The Anarchist Orator is struck in the face by a Dead Cat.
Image Prompt & Upload
A wide, bustling European city street in the late 19th century, paved with worn cobblestones. Tall, narrow brick buildings with ornate cornices line the street, their windows reflecting the soft, overcast daylight. A small crowd gathers around a speaker, their faces a mix of curiosity and disdain. The air is cool and slightly damp. no border, no frame, no watermark, no text, no signature, edge-to-edge illustration.
Magistrate's Courtroom
A formal judicial setting, likely a small, austere room with a raised bench for the magistrate and a space for the accused and accuser.
Mood: formal, absurd, judicial
The Anarchist brings the Dead Cat to trial, and the Magistrate passes a bizarre sentence.
Image Prompt & Upload
A dimly lit, austere 19th-century courtroom interior. High, narrow windows with heavy drapes allow weak, diffused light to fall upon dark, polished wooden panels that line the walls. A raised magistrate's bench dominates one end, behind which sits a stern-faced figure. Simple, hard wooden benches for spectators are arranged in the foreground. The air is still and heavy. no border, no frame, no watermark, no text, no signature, edge-to-edge illustration.
